Santa Time...

I had a conversation with Santa Claus the other day. I think it was very enlightening and explained a lot to me. It went something like this:

Me: “Santa, there are a lot of things that have baffled me about Santa Claus and the whole going down the chimney to deliver toys to good girls and boys. We didn’t have a chimney so how did you get into our house?”

Santa: “Well, I have a little help in those instances. I know when you were growing up you had an oil stove in your living room with a pipe going to the chimney. Those things aren’t safe for a guy of my girth. So basically, I let your mom know what you wanted subconsciously and she got those things for you. Notice I didn’t tell your dad. He was a great guy but not patient enough to check out labels or stand in line to buy stuff.”

Me: “About some of those gifts. Why did I keep getting those three-packs of underwear or sweaters?”

Santa: “I only give kids things they need not necessarily what they want. Then again maybe your mom misunderstood what I was trying to tell her. Yeah, I bet that’s what happened!”

Me: “How about that bicycle and sled that were given to my brother and me to share. Really, Santa, share? How often do you think I got to ride that bicycle?”

Santa: “How about that sled? You two used that a lot. Besides, it wasn’t how much you got to ride the bike it was having the ability to adjust to not always getting your way. Now you and your brother can share your time in helping one another out, can’t you? That, too, is part of the gift, one that continues on forever. That part of the gift is caring for one another.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll give that one to you. I’ve wondered how you get to all of those houses in one night.”

Santa: “First of all, I don’t go to all of the houses in the world like everyone thinks. See, I don’t go to the places where they don’t believe in me. I will always give something to people who believe in what I do and what I stand for. There is a 93-year old man living in a rest home and I have never forgotten him. This year I’m bringing him a Bible with big print so he can more easily read it. He’s also getting slipper socks. We all like to have warm feet!” Me: “Well that makes sense and it’s good to know that you’re never too old to believe in Santa. Okay why do you deliver gifts that have so much violence in them?”

Santa: “Remember when I told you that I only bring presents that you need and not want? My job isn’t to bring toys or games that will cause violence or show violent acts. The educational toys are mine. Dad and mom bought the Grand Theft Auto game. Santa isn’t going there and never will.”

Me: “Hmm…That makes sense, too. When you spend as much time going around the world delivering gifts what do you watch for entertainment on Christmas Day.”

Santa: “Well there are a lot of games that will be on the tube on Sunday. Pro Football is big in our house. Mrs. Claus loves the Green Bay Packers. Evidently that frozen tundra makes her think they are part of our home. The elves are Cleveland Browns fans, don’t ask me why. Pro Basketball will also be on the tube but I’m not a real big fan until the last couple of minutes of the game, which works out fine for me. I can take a two hour nap and catch the last two or three minutes of the game which is when the game gets interesting.”

Me: “Are you a big college football fan and has anyone ever asked you for a National Championship for Christmas?”

Santa: “I am a big college football fan and yes I have thousands of requests for a BCS National Championship, but I have just as many requests for a playoff system that will see a true Champion crowned. That’s not my job to intervene but I try to send subtle hints but unfortunately these guys don’t believe in Santa Claus.”

It was around this time that my alarm went off and my Santa time had ended. I looked around to see if there were any signs that might have been left behind but I didn’t see any. I do know that I will start believing in the big guy again because what he told me made sense. That and the fact that I’d really like to know what I need!

By the way, Merry Christmas from the Worst Seat in the House!